Homo Oleaginosus
I could use a wash.
From Ron Konkoma’s Mailbag
Yo Ron, so last night I picked up this bangin’ chick at a club and then we boned for like ten hours or something. Awesome, right? Anyway, it’s like 7 pm now, and naturally I just woke up, had a protein shake and then decided to head outside and put another layer of wax on my Supra, when what do I find but the same chick asleep in the backseat! I mean, I think it’s the same chick…honestly it’s kind of hard to tell cause she’s got pants on now, and I feel like maybe her hair was red last night, and also she was like a foot taller. But any way you slice it, Ron, she’s a classy broad, and I need some place classy to take her when she wakes up, which could be any minute! Help!
Apprehensively,
Mikey T.
Fear not, Mikey! New York plays host to a surfeit of high-class venues, all sure to impress even the most discerning of women. In fact, so wide is the array of available clubs, lounges, night clubs, dance lounges, ultra lounges, and discotheques that even an urbane, well-to-do gentleman such as yourself might regard them in puzzlement and wonder aloud, “But where best to court mon cher?” With this in mind, I’ve listed below a few tips for finding that elusive Ne Plus Ultra Lounge.
1. The more neon the better
Fact: few things impress ladies more than a room drenched in the soft glow of purple neon overheads—but the neon shouldn’t stop there! Bars, over-sized novelty fish tanks, and even carpeting can all be tastefully festooned with pliable plastic tubes of this, the most opulent of lights.
2. Columns, columns, columns!
Ah, Rome, jewel of mankind’s greatest empire! No coincidence, then, that many New York club-goers claim descent from the city’s founders. And what better way to honor that heritage than through exacting recreation of its architectural hallmarks? Look for columns, domes and architraves—all rendered in brilliant white formica, of course!
3. Purple pricetags
When entering a club, ask yourself this question: can I afford to drink here without borrowing against the equity of my home or automobile? If the answer is no, the club must go! Remember, needlessly overpaying for products and services readily and more reasonably available elsewhere is the mark of a true gentilhomme!
Yours faithfully,
Ron Konkoma
Words to live by.
